Where Oh Where Has Our Ceiling Gone? (April fools news)

The students in Cab Calloway have a few questions, and they want them answered. But this breaking news will put a hush over the curious minds of Calloway. Firstly, where oh where have our beloved ceilings gone? Now, walking through the hallway or standing in the classrooms, the constant fear of having God-knows-what drip on our heads dominates, and studies show that if it were not enforced, students would indeed bring umbrellas to school. Second, why is it that our school does not have proper bread? It tends to be on the grainy side, and a strange color has recently been showing up. Well, as a wise… okay, it was just Mr. Drake. So: as a strange man once predicted, the ceilings are being used for a purpose that money doesn’t cover. Are our acoustic tiles being made into the unsatisfactory lunches we’ve been receiving? An interview with our undercover spy, Ian Alejandro, will uncover the truth you’ve been missing:

Ian, when I appointed you as my undercover assistant, did you really think you would find any suspicious activity at all?

Ahem… First of all… no.

What was your initial reaction when you discovered the major felony behind the disappearance of our ceiling?

I thought someone stole it, then sold it on eBay.

And how did you come across your astounding discovery?

I was searching for my super-secret trench coat in the lost and found, when I came across a Sweeny Todd-esque meat grinder, which, upon further inspection, I found to be coated with a fine layer of ceiling dust.

And where exactly was this tile grinder?

Behind the lunch counter, near a large and suspicious pile of moldy ceiling tiles.

Did you question anyone?

Yes. I interrogated the lunch lady until she burst into tears and told me everything. I mean, ahem… no. I keep to myself.

I have one last question for you. Do you, or do you not, have proof of this major crime?

Yes. It’s in my briefcase. I’ll go get it.


Now, friends, teachers, and sworn enemies alike can all rest assured that they are not eating bread, but that it is, in fact, the ceiling they once learned, conspired, and plotted under. Thank you for your time. Kira Alejandro, out.